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20 November 2015, 14:11
Facebook wants to help you say 'Bye Felicia' to your ex in the most extreme way.
If you don't think that Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind is one of the saddest movies ever conceived, then I feel sorry for your cold cyborg heart.
While we may be a long way from brain operations that erase bad memories, the forward thinking minds at Facebook have just figured out a way for you to 'eternal sunshine' your ex for good.
Facebook's newest plan to careen us into a future we can hardly conceive of involves their new "break up" tool, designed to make sure your ex, who we'll call Dylan, can never look at your photos on Facebook again and you can never look at his.
Facebook is trialing the new tool which they say will "improve the experience when a relationship ends". The social media site is offering up options like the ability to "see less" mentions of your ex and hide updates from/about them completely. And the best part? They have no idea that they're being erased. It is virtual ghosting at its finest.
But perhaps Facebook's new "ghosting" tool is not the best way to get over your ex.
Just as Kate Winslet discovered in Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind (again, a really great film), the idea that you can erase someone and all their bad qualities is more than a little absurd.
Sure, not having to read about what a great time Dylan is having in Mallorca is helpful but what about the other memories. You know, the ones that aren't online? The brain memories?
Facebook can't help that your ex has touched every surface of your home or that their clothes are still at the bottom of your sock drawer. Facebook's bright idea hinges on the concept that relationships exist solely online when, in reality, you could walk into any room and be reminded of your ex. People exist IRL.
I may be completely wrong but stalking your ex online is surely a part of the healing process. Pour yourself a glass of white wine, put on that new Adele record, and scroll through pictures of your ex's new partner until one day you realise that you would rather have a glass of red while you watch Scandal. Then, and only then, will you truly be over your ex.
You know what they say: time wine heals all wounds.