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25 November 2015, 13:46
I know everyone gets the internet, but do you really get the internet? If you're someone unsure if you're committing the cardinal sins of social media, let me help you figure it out.
Hello. Your friend does not look like [insert celebrity].
You know those people who comment on celebrity photos on Instagram? "omg @ashley401267 I totally thought this was you!! You look like her" and then @ashley401267 responds "lol. You think?". Stop it. STOP. No one looks like anybody, okay? The only person Ashley looks like is Ashley. Stop lying to your friends.
Stop arguing with strangers on the internet.
Even if you're right, everyone looks dumb in an internet fight. Your parents didn't send you to school so you could come home and argue about UFOs with a stranger under a Vine star's Instagram comments. It's not that deep. Next time you want to get involved in a social media spat, just turn off your device, pick up your copy of The Farmers Almanac 2016 and have a more productive time reading about North American weather forecasts for the new year.
Thou shall not DM me about your band's gig this Friday.
A tweet will suffice. I'll open an email. I'll even deftly untie a message attached to a carrier pigeon's leg. But please don't DM me about your band's gig. For the actual love of God, don't send me a direct message about "Danger Fear's first big London gig, £10 door". Hard pass.
Why are you Snapchatting in the club?
The only thing worse than actually going to a nightclub is opening someone's snap and seeing they've spent their night Snapchatting their own nightclub experience. Unless you are literally splitting the atom at Oceana Watford, the secondhand boredom from a nightclub snapchat story could a actually kill me.
I'm gonna need every maladjusted adolescent to stop writing "fat" under celebrities' tweets and photos
The only thing crazier than typing "fat" underneath all of Demi Lovato's twitter updates is being that person and walking around in the world pretending that you're not the worst.
Stop sharing motivational work out quotes. Like, right now.
I haven't worked out since August 2009 and that was actually a mistake. Whenever I scroll through Instagram and see a motivational quote set to a weird gradient background, I actually eat a slice of pizza and watch three more episodes of my show on Netflix. Every. Time.