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20 September 2016, 09:38
Ranked from Worst to Best... who will take the scare crown?
While we sit and wait for some sort of official announcement from Ryan Murphy about Season 6 (like seriously...), we've decided to rank all 5 seasons of American Horror Story from best to worst. You know, just something to keep us busy instead of speculating about Slenderman, and Lost Colonies and Lana Del Rey.
Maaaaany rankings have been done before, and everyones got their fave but we have devised a foolproof rating system that will filter the trash from the glorious glorious gold. Don't agree with us? Make sure you vote in the poll right at the end!
On paper, Hotel is EVERYTHING you’d want from a season of American Horror Story. Sex, violence, blood... Lady Gaga as a seemingly immortal goddess who ends up killing her lovers for sport. YAAASSS! But let's face it, the entire storyline was weak AF. Seriously, what even was the main storyline?
Lady Gaga and Matt Bomer joining forces with Angela Basset, Kathy Bates, Sarah Paulson, Finn Wittrock and Denis O'Hare? SIGN. ME. UUUP.
JESSICA LANGE RATING: 0
No comment, just the sounds of us weeping.
SEASON SCARE RATING: 5
The first episode gave the entire internet nightmares and a complex about all future Room 64s. But at the end of the day, it just wasn't scary. I would 100% check into Hotel Cortez right now just to have a drink with Liz Taylor, but you'll never get me anywhere near the Murder House.
OPENING CREDITS SCARE RATING: 9
I DO NOT WANT TO SEE ONE MORE UNDEAD PERSON CRAWLING OUT OF A BED THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
Again, Ryan... where was the central storyline tho? The main issue many have with Freak Show is that it seemed like a collection of stories about AAAALL these characters just thrown into the ring at once (circus pun intended). It felt methodical and low-key went downhill real fast. We don't need emotional backstories, just scare the bejeezus out of us y'all!
HELLOOOOO FINN WITTROCK! But also, featuring the last appearances for Frances Conroy and Jessica Lange - which makes us really bitter, tbh.
JESSICA LANGE RATING: 6
Honestly, the weakest out of the holy quad - no shade. At this point in our AHS journey, we're just grateful she turned up to play the legendary Elsa Mars, tbh. #PleaseComeBack
SEASON SCARE RATING: 6
Like Hotel, Freak Show wasn't jump-out-of-your-skin-and-cry-til-you-fall-asleep scary. It's scary if you hate clowns, we guess. Twisty WAS one of the most horrifying villains of all time.
OPENING CREDITS SCARE RATING: 3
Not scary. Soz.
OK SO... THERE'S A SCARY HOUSE. WITH SCARY HAPPENINGS. DON'T GO IN THE BASEMENT. DON'T TRUST THE CREEPY NEIGHBOUR. DON'T HAVE SEX WITH A GUY IN A RUBBER SUIT OR YOU WILL GET PREGNANT AND DIE. Such a straight forward storyline with original character tropes; absolutely no messing around.
Jessica Lange, Denis O'Hare, Taissa Farmiga, Lily Rabe, Jamie Brewer... And the very first time we ever did lay eyes on Evan Peters as Tate Langdon. The rest, as they say, was history.
JESSICA LANGE RATING: 7
Honestly, we would rather face Fiona Goode in battle than have to deal with living next door to Constance Langdon. What. A. Bitch!
SEASON SCARE RATING: 8.5
Nahhhh, we've kind of blocked out all memories of Infantata. Rather not have to go through all those sleepless nights again if we're honest. And we haven't been down to a basement ever since.
OPENING CREDITS SCARE RATING: 7
Ahhh, our first introduction to the haunting tones of the AHS credits. Keep the scary baby pics tho plz. Not into it. Kept having nightamares.
YES - the latter half of Coven is literally the worst EVER and YES - the initially clear plot lines ended up NOWHERE but you can't ignore the absolute GLORY of all that is the first half of the season. If anything had the potential to be even better than Asylum, it was Coven. We're giving it the benefit of the doubt.
Let's be real, Coven is only ranked at number two on this because of the additions of Angela Basset and Kathy Bates to the already flawless cast. They high-key made this season iconic.
JESSICA LANGE RATING: 9.5
"In this whole wide wicked world, the only thing you have to be afraid of... is me." *mic drop* *logs out* *walks away*
SEASON SCARE RATING: 4
There was that one time with the head in the box but other than that... wasn't scary at all. Maybe the least scariest season if we're honest.
OPENING CREDITS SCARE RATING: 8
Whatever forest they shot that in, is a place we never want to go.
NOTHING WILL EVER TOP THIS SEASON. It had a strong narrative where all the separate storylines made sense in relation to one another, it had well developed characters aka Lana Winters, and a really great ending. Ugh, it was so good. Although, we did -1 point for the inclusion of aliens because, come on.
Not a single actor was miscast in the season, and casting Zachary Quinto and James Cromwell as Thredson and Arden respectively was the most genius move of them all.
JESSICA LANGE RATING: 100000
Sister Jude is the best thing Jessica Lange has ever done. Here's the evidence. End of story.
SEASON SCARE RATING: 10
Genuinely the scariest season so far. Just when you thought you would never get over Thaddeus, you met Bloodyface. RIP Everyone. In fact, nearly every plot line is horrifying, which is exactly what we came for!
OPENING CREDITS SCARE RATING: 10
We never usually skip the opening credits but honestly, the Asylum one is too much to handle. *cries*